Flowers for Eleanor

I hope one of you gets the title... Danny, maybe?

Eleanor's official marker finally came in in December! The cemetery has been really understanding with us, and filled the attached bronze vase with a beautiful set of violet flowers, then exchanged it for a large Christmas tree, but now it's our turn to honor our little angel our way!

We had a fun discussion about what we would like to keep at El's grave. We thought about taking the vase off and putting an angel garden statue or heavy-duty animal in the space, but removing the vase doesn't actually seem like an option, after all. All of the graves here are flat with these vases, so you just see a field of flower plumes across the yards.  Most of the flowers are fake, placed, then forgotten so there are pieces of disintegrating flower flowing in the wind and scattered across the grass constantly.

We did not want Eleanor's to get as unruly, but I can't guarantee I'll always have fresh flowers, or how long we'll live here to bring them.  When we eventually leave, what could we put in place that wouldn't look so terrible in a few months?

The final (for now) answer came from something we already have in our house.  I have had a vase from my mom for years that I've filled with beautiful glass flowers that I've collected from antique stores across the country (and packed and traveled with very carefully, I might add!) We decided the glass flowers from our own living room would be perfect for the grave marker-- permanent, beautiful, classy-- so us! 

I ordered a set of replacement glass flowers for the vase, but we ended up using the ones I purchased for Eleanor, instead.  Her vase is short, and we were worried that my longer-stemmed flowers would freeze and break more easily than the shorter-stemmed ones that we ordered.

Just to make sure you really appreciate the final product, let's go through the process of Eleanor's grave...


Blank plot (with straw) for months....

Temporary marker...

Permanent  marker...

Permanent marker with hand-picked glass flowers + an LED light provided by Grammy!

Isn't it gorgeous?!?!?!?!?!?!

(P.S. Flowers for Algernon  was one of my favorite books growing up.)

If you give a pig a pancake...

A little story about the way my mind works.  This was  a conversation Ben and I had about a week ago while yelling down the stairs at each other when I was brushing my teeth and he was working downstairs...

"I'm so glad you texted me when you were at General Conference 3 years ago."

"Umm... Good. What made you think of that?"

"I was brushing my teeth and saw the earrings mom gave me for my birthday on the counter...

"and started wondering why I hadn't brought them with us to Chicago to wear at Betsy's sealing. Then I remembered that I couldn't wear them because I was planning to wear my skirt with the gold sequins...

"That made me think about how much I love sparkles and how much sparkly things I own...

"but that I only wear my sparkly stuff when I need to cheer myself up, I'm nervous, or am celebrating something really big, like when I wore that same skirt my first Sunday back to the single's ward after my mission (which you noticed immediately) and for our engagement pictures...

"That reminded me that I bought my sequin All Stars the day before Thanksgiving 2009 and wore them with my dress for Thanksgiving dinner because I was sad that we were separated during our first holiday dating...

"Which reminded me that we had even started dating because you kept trying to stay in contact me while I was traveling, which started with the random text message during General Conference. So, thank you for texting me.  I'm so glad you did :)"

"I don't want to give a pig a pancake!"

A Special Sealing in Chicago

{Photos courtesy of the photographer, my SIL Sarah!}

The reason for our trip to Wisconsin was to drive with Steve and Tamara to Chicago (just 2 hours away) to celebrate the sealing of Ben's sister, Betsy, with his side of the family.

To be completely honest (this is me, after all), I was sort of apprehensive about this trip.  I am beyond happy for Betsy (and her now-husband, Brad), but we had not originally planned to be present at their sealing. It was scheduled for December 28, and Eleanor was due to be born on December 15.  We expected her to be late (not 3 months early!), and I said early on that I knew I wouldn't want to fly across the country or drive with an infant so soon after having a baby, especially in flu season.  We were happy for Betsy, and really sad to expect to miss her special day.

One blessing from El's early appearance was that we were, suddenly, available to travel for Betsy's sealing.  We did really wanted to be there, but I was concerned that the dissolving of our original expectations would cast a shadow over our trip.  I was worried during the days leading up to the sealing that it would remind me of our change in plans, but I am so happy to report that there was nothing but love and joy on that amazing morning! 

In fact, I was {literally} sobbing from joy during the entire ceremony! Ben and I planned our sealing around Betsy coming home from her LDS mission to Temple Square in April, 2010.  It was important to us to have her there-- "waiting for Betsy" was sort of the joke around our whole engagement and marriage planning, in fact! She flew directly into Columbia and we were sealed the next day.  I was worried that we were raining on her Coming Home parade (everyone deserves their own special moment after such a huge accomplishment), but Betsy handled it so well and told us afterward, "It meant so much to me to see my whole family together in the temple just after coming home from serving the Lord. Thank you."

Well, Betsy, it meant so much to me to witness the sealing of a couple in love and to hear and remember the marriage covenants in the most spiritual place on Earth so soon after losing our daughter! Thank you!

I can not express how beautiful the spirit was, and how comforting.  I was reminded so strongly of the love Ben and I share, and how incredibly grateful I am that we made the decision to be sealed for time and all eternity before we had children (though a family can still be sealed together forever after a death, of course).  You can't plan the future- there was no way for us to know we wouldn't live with our angel. But Heavenly Father knew, and, years ago, restored the Priesthood- the power of God- to the Earth so that families like ours would have the opportunity to be together in the eternities after the devastation of this Earthly life.

It was a powerful message.

After the ceremony we were invited to congratulate the bride and groom.  I gave Brad a hug and told him what a wonderful family he married into, but couldn't say a word to Betsy.  My face was completely tear-stained (I had, at least, tried to sob quietly in the back so we didn't disturb the rest of the family), and I could just hold her tightly and try not to mess up her veil. Betsy, I hope you understand the gratitude I was trying to convey in that moment!

Many happy memories are yet to come to this special couple!

Holiday in Milwaukee

We were very blessed this past holiday season to visit both sides of our family.  Blessed and busy.  And tired.  And happy.  And ....


We spent Chrismtas Eve and Christmas with my mom and siblings (minus Brett :( ), then flew at 5 am to Milwaukee to spend the week with Ben's brother, Steve, and our sister-in-law, Tamara, and their children in Jackson, WI.  We spent some time there, drove down to Chicago for his sister, Betsy's sealing, then back to Jackson.

I was left with just one question...

Why didn't anyone tell us how much fun Milwaukee is?

Here is our downtown tour of the big city:

The Public Market

The Public Market was awesome! It is a large warehouse filled with stalls of local specialties.  

We tried cheese curds from a local dairy farm, watched  and learned about spices from 

around the world, and lots of other fun stalls representing Wisconsin favorites. 

It was a crowded atmosphere bustling with the scent of flowers, local store-goers, and fun colors.  Just we like to stumble upon in a new city :) 

Historic 3rd Ward

We never found out why it's called the Historic 3rd Ward, but we fell for it! This is a collection of a few streets downtown that are, in a word, charming! Complete with bronze street names on corner sidewalks, old-fashioned street lamps, and dental molding. 

The district is also known for it's collection of unique streetside shops

The classic...

... and not so classic. 

Milwaukee, like all my favorite cities, has bodies of water in every direction.  A lake here, a river there, the city is filled with fun water walkways and beautiful city/ nature landscapes.  

Check out my hunky husband on this great circular walkway thingy 

we found between old buildings on the river:

I think I drove Ben crazy comparing Milwaukee to Seattle (my favorite city in America.  Yes, it beats out NYC!) . I just loved seeing water surprise me in every direction and all the fun art and architecture tucked around the corners. (Ben says Milwaukee was founded before Seattle, so I should have been comparing Seattle to it, instead of the other way around.  Though Seattle still takes my cake, Milwaukee has one thing Seattle definitely doesn't: citizens with good fashion sense.)

Wisconsin Cheese Mart

The Wisconsin Cheese Mart is truly a state legend.  In a word: amazing.  But, hey, we love cheese ;) 

This is a large, open store that sells more types of cheese than I could count from all around the world.  It's specialty, of course, is locally-made Wisconsin cheeses, especially varieties of cheddar. We were greeted by this life-size heifer and a stand of cheese hats and other accessories which set the tone for the whole store.  It's a place where anyone who loves cheese can come to sample, stare, and savor! And the prices were great, too. We brought home a block of WI sharp cheddar, a section of white cheddar + peppercorn wheel (the 2010 World Cheese Competition Winner), and a bag of freezable cheddar cheese curds. 

Usinger's Sausage House

Usinger's is next door to the Wisconsin Cheese Mart on 3rd street, very conveniently.  We could get our famous Wisconsin cheese then go next door for it's sausage pair! 

We bought summer sausage, bratwurst, and kielbasa.  The summer sausage was amazing, but the other two were lacking.  That was disappointing,  but I blame myself.  Maybe we chose the wrong pieces of meat.  It is a really popular place; a fixture in the community.  Tamara even said her parents require her to bring Usinger's   hotdogs when she visits them in Charlotte :)

I'm willing to take the blame.

Sprecher's Brewery

I have been hearing about this place for the last two years.  Given the family's fondness for this Wisconsin treat, my love of beverages (thanks, Opa), and our mutual attraction to factories, I have been dying to come! This was our fourth trip to Milwaukee, and my first to Sprecher's.  

They conduct tours for $5/ person which includes the tour, four beer samples (which we, of course, didn't use), endless soda samples, and a free commemorative glass.  The tours have always been full when we've tried coming in the past, and it was full this day, too.  Tamara pointed out that there aren't many places where a person could get four beers + a glass for only $5-- explaining the hefty German-descent crowd!

Kara chose milk over all the other options... strange... ;)

All-in-all, I count our trip to Milwaukee a 9.8 success! We loved it, and can't wait to go back. 

Bring it on, 2012!

A giant smile spread across my face on Jan. 1 (despite the all-day travel from Jackson, WI back to Greensboro).  I am shedding 2011 like a snake's old skin and welcoming in a gleaming new 2012 with open arms.

This is not a surprise to me, but still very comforting.  After Eleanor's birth I knew many things would continue to be difficult: the birth of my sister's triplets two weeks later, setting her grave marker, her due date, and Christmas, but, now that those things have passed, I am truly ready to move on.  A light switch has come on and I realize that, though her birth date may be troublesome for years to come, there are no more significant reminders of our loss on the calendar. I will continue to think of her often, but it will be on my terms and without the shroud of expectation and disappointment or confusion.

Yes, this is the year to move on!

Here is my new favorite song (just ask Ben-- I've been playing or singing it almost non-stop for about two weeks), which moves me to tears because my feelings have been so adequately expressed, once again, in music:


(How do you like that, Jessica?)

Though the year was overshadowed by the loss of our daughter, we were still blessed in many ways we will always be grateful for. We are older and wiser, have more love than we ever expected, and so many rising suns on our horizon.

Thanks for joining us on this road, and help us celebrate new beginnings!

Appreciation Communication

I feel like I have been pretty negative on here lately, and I've been particular sensitive to the negativity and problems of others, but I really can't stress enough that, though our list of issues has seemed particularly high in 2011, I wake up {almost} every day extremely happy and thinking how lucky I am.

It is so easy to admit that our marriage is the axis and both hemispheres of that ball of joy.  We have grown so much through our trials, and I have to share how proud I am of our effort to constantly show each other love and try to understand one another instead of jumping to conclusions, getting upset over something trivial, or seeing an action from an unfair perspective.

A simple exchange yesterday brought all of this to mind: 

I have been wanting Ben to clean the dishes and the kitchen for a few days, but he has been out-of-town so I let it go to let him do it at his own pace.  Before Ben left town he asked me to clean the sheets and I kept forgetting.  Last night I threw the sheets in the wash and he went to work in the kitchen (both without hearing something from the other). 

He leaves the kitchen to go study in the office, I pass him on my way to change the laundry: 

Suz:  "Thanks for doing the dishes!"

Ben: "No problem. Thanks for doing the laundry!"

I love that guy :) 

Happy Due Date, El

I woke up this morning like it was any other day.  I checked my e-mail, worked for a few hours, organized packages to take to the post office, watched the Today Show, scheduled where I need to go when to maximize my time....

But, no matter how much I try to ignore it, today is not a regular day. Today was my scheduled due date for Eleanor.  I anticipated being really upset today, and I am sad, but it's sort of a confused sad. See, from now on do I celebrate and remember her on her due date, which is sort of depressing, or on her birthdate?

Also, Christmas is coming up, which I also anticipate being sad on.  I had been really looking forward to Christmas this year- feeling very festive- then it hit me one day that Christmas had been our unofficial "D Day". See, we wanted her to arrive early, of course, but first babies are often late. We knew that Dec. 15 was my due date, but had, of course, no idea when she would actually come.  I would have been induced 7 days after my due date if I hadn't delivered yet, so we did, at least, know that we would have her and be out of the hospital  by Christmas Day.  I even designed this special Christmas baby onesie in honor of her- the best Christmas present we could have asked for. (My sister ordered three of those onesies for her triplets.  That felt sort of weird.)

So now I'm feeling very aware of the absence of our daughter from today until Christmas (I expect.) Let the season begin!

The reality is that we'll think about her and miss her at this time of year and on her birthday, but I'm trying to remember how happy we were on her birthday, too.  We felt so close to her that day and could feel that her spirit was so happy to have received a body.  We felt lucky to have been chosen to be part of an obvious Plan of Heavenly Father's, and excited to have a perfect child waiting for us one day. After the "high" of that experience wore off the sadness set in, but I struggle daily to remember that fulfillment and happiness we felt at first.

So, in an effort to {try to} stay somewhat positive today, I was thinking about the blessings we and our extended family have experienced since we gave in to following Heavenly Father:

1. Ben and I have become very comfortable in Greensboro, even making good friends.  Losing Eleanor brought us closer to many people in our ward, and we are grateful for those friendships. 
2. Our store, uVinyl, has really taken off! It's gone from 4-5 orders a month to 5-8 orders a day since October! Strange timing... 
3. Megan had her triplets safely, and they were home healthy from the hospital in less than a month. 
4. Ben started his MBA program, and finished his first quarter with final grades much higher than the average student. 
5. Our marriage has become so much stronger as we learned to lean on each other and remember how important our family and love is
6. Ben has started traveling again for work-- something he loves, but had been on hold for months due to the economy. 
7. Ben was transferred to work on new projects in his company, and these project teams cause much less stress than the previous ones! 
8. I have finally started volunteering with an organization I've had my eye on for years- Hospice.  I spend about 5 hours/ week with (after two weekends of training...ugh) a very sweet family, and love giving back to someone else at the last stages of his life. 

My ultimate I-Need-to-Invoke-Some-Tears-Because-I-Have-to-Express-How-Much-I-Miss-Eleanor Song: 

"To think I might not see those eyes makes it so hard not to cry.  And we say our long goodbyes I nearly do... Light up, light up.  As if you have a choice.  Even if you cannot hear my voice I'll be right beside you, Dear. Have heart, my Dear, and don't you be afraid, even if it's just for a few days... we'll make up for all this mess..." 

We love you, Baby Girl.  It's hard not to think of "what could have been" on this very day, but we do know that Heavenly Father has a plan, and that, one day, or reunion will be  so sweet.