26 Weeks... Crunch time.

This time... last time... we found out our baby girl had no heartbeat and she was born on September 9. This time... last time... I felt like an anxious mother-to-be, but was incredibly happy. This time... last time... my pregnancy innocence was shattered.

I am sort of a wreck this week.

"Sort of" is an understatement.

Dragon is very active and we feel him move constantly, which brings me so much comfort, and every additional day he can grow ups his chances of survival in the case of an emergency delivery, which give me hope, but no amount of planning for the future or knowing/ expecting him to be perfectly healthy take away the fact that we have heard that our child had no heartbeat. That horrible moment happened.  We may have our parenting dreams realized with Dragon and unexplainable joy with future children, but that moment will never be erased.

This week is hard for other reasons, too. Not only is this the time frame that I delivered Eleanor, but I've had rapid weight gain in the past two weeks (around 8 lbs. in the last 2 weeks when I had previously only gained 3 the first 24 weeks) and my stomach has become pretty large and hard, so I have an appointment for my glucose screening for Gestational Diabetes a week early- this Friday. (Having a previously unexplained stillbirth is a symptom of GD.) Also, next Thursday is also our next Type II ultrasound, which will show us if Dragon's brain cyst and heart issues have cleared up- an indicator of his chances of having Trisomy 18, aka Edward's Syndrome.

I know Gestational Diabetes affects up to 10% of pregnancies and is quite manageable, and his chances of Trisomy 18 are still pretty low at just .5-2%, but the prospect of ANYTHING really upsets me! Even something so manageable... I just get so scared considering anything other than a "normal" pregnancy.  I will always wonder, "Could this cause another stillbirth? Am I doing something wrong?" It's just scary.

I've done pretty well (in my opinion) to keep my spirits high so far, but I'm letting myself unravel a little this week. I know I am not the first or only or last pregnant woman to have doubts, fears, and tradgedy, so I really appreciate all the love and support from those of you who have dealt with your own challenges. Bring on any advice you have-- I am dying to hear that I'm normal, ok, and that anything is manageable!

Some 26 weeks shots from our trip:

See what I mean about "large and hard?" Even considering the recent weight gain I am only 12 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight, but my belly is HUGE all of a sudden! 

This is one of my favorite pregnancy pictures ever :) Way to go, Ben!