Mother's Day

As you may (or may not) have guessed, Mother's Day was a pretty confusing holiday for me. After passing my 27th week (when Eleanor was born) I thought all my anniversaries and reminders of her would subside until her birthday and, possibly, being back in the L&D wing of the hospital. Well, I was wrong! I had been really excited for Mother's Day, but as of Friday all I could think about was the fact that we waited to announce my pregnancy with El until Mother's Day last year because my side of the family was together for a vacation. I wrote in my journal that day, "Today I am a mother. Because of you."

All weekend those words kept repeating in my brain, and I felt truly bewildered at the full-circle of events in the last 365 days: Announcing my first pregnancy, delivering and burying her, and now within weeks of delivering my second child. Who celebrates the lives of two children within 1 year?!

Ben had been planning my Mother's Day for a long time and told me that I wasn't allowed to be anything but happy, so I really tried to be.  I couldn't help but lean in the other direction a few times, though, such as in church when the senior primary (mostly girls) sang A Child's Prayer with their mothers and a mother/ daughter sang a duet themed "I'm glad God chose me to be your Mom/ Daughter." Phew. I lost it!

It was confusing, to say the least, to feel my attention pulled toward the child I've been loving since last Mother's Day and whom I gave birth to and shared so many strong experiences with over the year while my second child tried, literally, to push his way into my heart. I could almost hear him saying, "I"m here too, Mom!" with every motion. What I eventually realized, though, is that this is the first Mother's Day since bringing my girl into the world and I needed to celebrate and honor that aspect of motherhood.  Every Mother's Day from now on can focus on Dragon and our other children, but this one was Eleanor's.

We spent a lot of time at her grave on Sunday, and Ben jumped at the suggestion to take pictures of us together. Here I am with my two babies! Funny, huh?

Ben also asked what I wanted him to cook for dinner, shopped on his own, researched the best ingredients and cooking techniques, made dinner, then ordered me to "dress nicely". 

Is it strange that I requested steak and potatoes for Mother's Day dinner? Hahaha... well, even though its the sort of thing we've never made at home and eaten once or twice outside of the home, Ben did an amazing job and I was more than satisfied with his effort and the taste! 

After dinner he gave me my {real} Mother's Day gift: 

The Angel of Mine Willow Tree Figurine. 

Ben, ever the thoughtful and insightful one, figured out long before I did that this Mother's Day was meant to celebrate bringing Eleanor into the world and picked out this statue because it's how he imagines me and Eleanor when we are back in heaven together. I lost it before the statue was even out of the package. 

I asked Ben if he thought I was being silly for taking a holiday about parenthood so seriously when I don't have a child to raise. I wanted him to be honest- I know opinions on when motherhood starts vary person-to-person, and that doesn't offend me at all. He said no, I wasn't silly.  He expressed that, though my mothering experiences aren't the typical ups and downs of raising a child, that I have had my own unique experiences with our children that are different but equally important in the realm of motherhood.  One day I will know what it's like to argue with my child, rock him to sleep, and worry about his well-being the way "typical" mothers do, but, until then, I'm still loving them with my whole heart and going through a lot to help them as much as I can. It's a different path, but it's still a path of Motherhood.

I'd never thought about it like that before.