Dear Diary: Some Complaints and Preparing for Baby

Dear Very-Public-Judgement-Creating-Family-Blog-I'm-Using-Selfishly Diary,

        I'll try to say this without exaggerating (seriously. I'm working on that): Yesterday was the worst day at work I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, running my own business has created lots of issues in the past and I've been angered over problems plenty of times, but almost every one of the complaints I've ever experienced with the store re-occurred  in just one day. Here's a breakdown: I was accused of copyright infringement and called immoral twice, I went to two different (far away) stores looking for the one brand of onesies I have decided to use only to be told (eventually) that they are no longer carrying the size/ style I need (which I have a lot of backed-up orders for. Now what do I do?), my vinyl cutter wouldn't turn on, when it finally did decide to run it didn't cut right and I had to free-hand cut a difficult design, Ben has started to apply the decals to my items because it's so physically difficult for me to operate the equipment right now but I did 11 orders on my own b/c I felt so backed-up which caused major pain to my torso and I applied a complicated design to a fabric with a stain on it so I had to re-do the decal and the application, and a customer who ordered an item in colors I don't carry opened a complaint against me for "non-shipment" even though I contacted her asap after her order to ask how she'd like the item to be made which she never responded to!

It just felt so personal, you know? So much of myself has gone into the business. I choose and make all of the designs, I think of what I'd like and create something personal to sell, and I'm the one to decide on materials, keep things ordered, etc.

Ben was great at listening to me flip out (a few times), and calmly suggested that the pregnancy wasn't helping. My complaints were justified- hormones weren't responsible for upsetting me- but being very large, uncomfortable, and waiting to go into labor any minute just don't help my mental state. He's right.

***The Evolution of Preparing for Labor and Baby's Arrival***

I've been wanting to write a pregnancy update for a while, but it's been difficult because my feelings keep changing. A week ago I was feeling really confused. My latest midwife appointment showed that I am 2+ cm dilated and 60% effaced. I'm trying not to compare, but I have had a labor experience that I can't help but refer back to at this time. When I was 2 cm dilated with Eleanor I was already asking for an epidural! And I wasn't being a wimp- the contractions were hard and I felt like I had handled it as long as I could have. My labor progressed really quickly after that, so why now, at 2 cm, do I not feel any contractions and am not progressing? I know there are logical explanations; but try telling my emotions that.

After feeling confused that my body doesn't actually know what it's doing, I had a few days of feeling really anxious. Let me just say I do anxious really well :) I had lists everywhere: "Things to do before Baby arrives." "What to pack in Hospital Bag." "Freezer meals and groceries to get." "What to buy/ where to buy it", etc. Here is a sample train of thought: "The baby could come at any time. If he came today one of the things that would have to be done is washing his clothes and bedding in Dreft so he'll have something to wear and sleep on. He doesn't have tons of clothes, and I don't want to run a lot of small loads of his stuff so I may as well go buy all the other clothing and bedding items he'll need immediately so I only run one load. If I'm going to the store to buy sheets I should also bring the things I'd like to return to the store and be prepared to buy other things that are left-over on my registry. If I buy things from my registry I need to research and decide what to buy at the store and what to buy online so I can use the one-time 10% off coupon for each place. If I'm going to buy things from Amazon I may as well buy it all at one time, so I need to decide now what items I'll ever want for him so I can get it discounted. Do I really need a MamaRoo Bouncer or video monitor? They are both pretty expensive so I could use the discount..."  So suddenly "I need to wash his coming home outfit and sheets in Dreft" becomes impossible because I don't know if I want a MamaRoo Bouncer! Ridiculous, no?

I did start showing signs of impending labor (don't worry. It passed. You'll know when the time is really here.) over the weekend, so on Saturday Ben and I really got down to business getting things ready. We deep cleaned the entire house, washed Baby's clothes, bleached his toys and put final things away in his nursery, packed the hospital bag, his carseat is ready, and the freezer is stocked. I even got a pedicure on Monday (as late as I was willing to wait) so my feet will be pretty for the doctors when I'm in the hospital!
There are always things I can do to keep preparing, but they are all pretty inconsequential. After feeling so confused that I'll go into labor without realizing it and anxious that nothing will be done when I give birth I actually feel really prepared and calm right now!

So our house is prepared for Baby to come home, no last minute things are driving me nuts, and I'm still progressing toward labor so he honestly could be born any time. All it comes down to now is coming to terms with the fact that our lives are about to completely change. There is no way to emotionally prepare for that, so I'm trying to just enjoy all the quiet moments I have, sleeping through the night, and spending as much quality time with Ben as possible. I admit that I'm overwhelmed at the life change I'm simply waiting for but can't really prepare for, and I'm feeling sad to say goodbye to the life I've known for 25 years and the quiet relationship Ben and I have had for 2.5 years. We have been planning on having a child since last February and now I feel like I might not be ready? Selfish, right? But normal, hopefully?

***What it all Comes Down To***

I started to realize last night that I am so sick of dealing with the business right now! I have been flooded with orders over the last week while trying to spend my energy on preparing for the baby which has made me feel so overwhelmed and anxious, and yesterday's issues were just unnecessary and mean of the universe! By the end of the day I just felt broken- emotionally, physically, and creatively. I actually switched the admin settings on my store to let Ben receive all my e-mails, control my store, and deal with customers. 

So much went wrong that made me feel so terrible that I'm really craving another project to focus on. 

Well, what do you know? I'm about to have a baby. What a perfect distraction :)

In the end I recognize that yesterday's trials were a blessing from Heavenly Father. I needed them to shake me out of my funk and get me really ready and excited for the baby to be born. Today I can say I have no reservations about my life changing! There are no last-minute things to enjoy or do. My brain and emotions are clear and ready to love on my son like no other! 

Gee, thanks Heavenly Father :)