I feel like I have been pretty negative on here lately, and I've been particular sensitive to the negativity and problems of others, but I really can't stress enough that, though our list of issues has seemed particularly high in 2011, I wake up {almost} every day extremely happy and thinking how lucky I am.
It is so easy to admit that our marriage is the axis and both hemispheres of that ball of joy. We have grown so much through our trials, and I have to share how proud I am of our effort to constantly show each other love and try to understand one another instead of jumping to conclusions, getting upset over something trivial, or seeing an action from an unfair perspective.
A simple exchange yesterday brought all of this to mind:
I have been wanting Ben to clean the dishes and the kitchen for a few days, but he has been out-of-town so I let it go to let him do it at his own pace. Before Ben left town he asked me to clean the sheets and I kept forgetting. Last night I threw the sheets in the wash and he went to work in the kitchen (both without hearing something from the other).
He leaves the kitchen to go study in the office, I pass him on my way to change the laundry:
I woke up this morning like it was any other day. I checked my e-mail, worked for a few hours, organized packages to take to the post office, watched the Today Show, scheduled where I need to go when to maximize my time....
But, no matter how much I try to ignore it, today is not a regular day. Today was my scheduled due date for Eleanor. I anticipated being really upset today, and I am sad, but it's sort of a confused sad. See, from now on do I celebrate and remember her on her due date, which is sort of depressing, or on her birthdate?
Also, Christmas is coming up, which I also anticipate being sad on. I had been really looking forward to Christmas this year- feeling very festive- then it hit me one day that Christmas had been our unofficial "D Day". See, we wanted her to arrive early, of course, but first babies are often late. We knew that Dec. 15 was my due date, but had, of course, no idea when she would actually come. I would have been induced 7 days after my due date if I hadn't delivered yet, so we did, at least, know that we would have her and be out of the hospital by Christmas Day. I even designed this special Christmas baby onesie in honor of her- the best Christmas present we could have asked for. (My sister ordered three of those onesies for her triplets. That felt sort of weird.)
So now I'm feeling very aware of the absence of our daughter from today until Christmas (I expect.) Let the season begin!
The reality is that we'll think about her and miss her at this time of year and on her birthday, but I'm trying to remember how happy we were on her birthday, too. We felt so close to her that day and could feel that her spirit was so happy to have received a body. We felt lucky to have been chosen to be part of an obvious Plan of Heavenly Father's, and excited to have a perfect child waiting for us one day. After the "high" of that experience wore off the sadness set in, but I struggle daily to remember that fulfillment and happiness we felt at first.
So, in an effort to {try to} stay somewhat positive today, I was thinking about the blessings we and our extended family have experienced since we gave in to following Heavenly Father:
Ben and I have become very comfortable in Greensboro, even making good friends. Losing Eleanor brought us closer to many people in our ward, and we are grateful for those friendships.
Our store, uVinyl, has really taken off! It's gone from 4-5 orders a month to 5-8 orders a day since October! Strange timing...
Megan had her triplets safely, and they were home healthy from the hospital in less than a month.
Ben started his MBA program, and finished his first quarter with final grades much higher than the average student.
Our marriage has become so much stronger as we learned to lean on each other and remember how important our family and love is
Ben has started traveling again for work-- something he loves, but had been on hold for months due to the economy.
Ben was transferred to work on new projects in his company, and these project teams cause much less stress than the previous ones!
I have finally started volunteering with an organization I've had my eye on for years- Hospice. I spend about 5 hours/ week with (after two weekends of training...ugh) a very sweet family, and love giving back to someone else at the last stages of his life.
My ultimate I-Need-to-Invoke-Some-Tears-Because-I-Have-to-Express-How-Much-I-Miss-Eleanor Song:
"To think I might not see those eyes makes it so hard not to cry. And we say our long goodbyes I nearly do... Light up, light up. As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice I'll be right beside you, Dear. Have heart, my Dear, and don't you be afraid, even if it's just for a few days... we'll make up for all this mess..."
We love you, Baby Girl. It's hard not to think of "what could have been" on this very day, but we do know that Heavenly Father has a plan, and that, one day, or reunion will be so sweet.
