Friday, September 16, 2011


It has been exactly 1 week since we left for my routine midwife appointment last Friday.  I'm happy to report that we've survived! It's amazing to think of how much adversity we can actually handle-- I've been through my share in my short lifetime, and I always wonder how I am still able to breathe.  Thank you, atonement.  And a little friend I've recognized as DENIAL.

I thought I'd been handling our situation really well.  I have a healthy eternal perspective and logical knowledge of what happened, which helps, but a couple of days ago I realized it may be because I'm not letting myself truly feel our loss.  I've been thinking about this as if it happened to someone I'm really close to, or a character in a book I've grown to love and miss by the end, or a movie I've seen over and over again. It involves people and a situation I know very well and deeply care about, but not me.  I feel upset and distraught, but not in a personal way.  Then, randomly, we will receive a very thoughtful sympathy card, someone from church will stop by with flowers or dinner, or my mother calls at 10:00 pm "Just to see if I'm ok."  

Why are we getting a sympathy card? Or a random call from my mom at night? Or flowers from people we've never met? There must be a reason.... And it sets in.  There is a reason.  That tragedy from last week.... ours.

And I'm "in it" all over again.  I try to logic or spiritualize myself out of the sadness, but it still comes.  I start to notice all the physical signs around me; things I'd somehow stayed oblivious to during the day.  My breastmilk came in, which causes me a lot of discomfort.  I feel crampy.  Tape residue from my IV refuses to come off my arm.  My other arm still has a large bruise from the blood pressure cuff I kept on for 2 days.  It's not bad enough that I couldn't take my daughter home from the hospital, I have to see tape marks a week later?!?!?!

I went to visit Eleanor's gravesite on Wednesday and could see the ground raised and placed back down on top of her.  Even knowing that she wasn't really there, I had a strong natural reaction to rip the ground away and bring her back up.  I just cried and prayed instead. (Though I did touch the grass chunks just to make sure they were fresh.)

Nights are the worst; all day I find things to distract me, but at night there is no sunlight to walk our park path by, our friends and family aren't available to call, and I don't want to drive anywhere.  I know it's only a matter of time before we go to bed and the only thing left to do then will be to think and wait to fall asleep.  I hate being alone with my thoughts!

Luckily this back-and-forth of denial and reality (which really does bite) only happens a few times a day.  Most of the day I'm still able to look to our many reasons to feel blessed and convince myself to be okay.  I know I'll need to face this reality hard and fast at some point, but for now I'll take it little by little.


  1. I have been thinking about you a lot. I am so sorry. Reality can suck, even with the knowledge we have been given. You have written beautifully about how loss feels. You know you are alive, but you are not sure how. The world is still spinning and everything around you is the same, but not for you. Your world has stopped and you wish things as simple as breathing would be simple again. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, hang in there and know that sometimes just existing is enough.

  2. i just want you to know that i have shed real tears on your behalf. my gut wrenched at the news of your loss. i also want you to know i have felt the spirit so strongly in your posts. i dont know what it means...for me...for you...i dont know.


  3. I don't think you're in denial. I think you're grieving your way. And from what I understand, grief has a million different faces for each person. It's okay for you to feel that your baby's death is more or less real depending on the day, or even the hour. You are a truly remarkable woman and I hope to be like you when I grow up.


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