On Saturday our daughter, Eleanor Seoul, was born. After a routine check-up on Friday morning we found out that she had stopped growing at 21 weeks, and would need to be delivered and buried. Friday was the hardest day we have both ever experienced, but by Saturday we had a strong testimony that we were helping Eleanor fulfill the Plan of Salvation. We felt a confirmation that she was sent to us for a body, and, as soon as she developed her major organs and was old enough to be classified as a baby by medical and church standards, she knew she didn't need to progress any further.
Luckily her delivery was very easy and painless.
We have ridden on the wings of our testimonies these last few days. We are so surprised at this news, disappointed that our plans for her are on hold, and struck with the reality of changing our routines and expectations, but are also faced with countless details pointing to the one and only explanation: This was Heavenly Father's plan for our daughter, and we are grateful to have been a part of something so specific.
That knowledge has brought us comfort. I'm surprised that I can even get out of bed in the morning, but I'm happy to report I'm doing much better than that. Unfortunately, though, no amount of logic or spirituality can comfort my empty arms. I spend most of my day at 50%-- halfway between feeling grateful and understanding, and completely losing it. Usually I can keep it just barely above the sadness line and in to the understanding portion, but the moments of depression still come at unexpected times.
I expect that to last for a while.