Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Roller Coaster....

On Saturday our daughter, Eleanor Seoul, was born.  After a routine check-up on Friday morning we found out that she had stopped growing at 21 weeks, and would need to be delivered and buried. Friday was the hardest day we have both ever experienced, but by Saturday we had a strong testimony that we were helping Eleanor fulfill the Plan of Salvation.  We felt a confirmation that she was sent to us for a body, and, as soon as she developed her major organs and was old enough to be classified as a baby by medical and church standards, she knew she didn't need to progress any further.

Luckily her delivery was very easy and painless.

We have ridden on the wings of our testimonies these last few days.  We are so surprised at this news, disappointed that our plans for her are on hold, and struck with the reality of changing our routines and expectations, but are also faced with countless details pointing to the one and only explanation: This was Heavenly Father's plan for our daughter, and we are grateful to have been a part of something so specific.

That knowledge has brought us comfort.  I'm surprised that I can even get out of bed in the morning, but I'm happy to report I'm doing much better than that.  Unfortunately, though, no amount of logic or spirituality can comfort my empty arms. I spend most of my day at 50%-- halfway  between feeling grateful and understanding, and completely losing it.  Usually I can keep it just barely above the sadness line and in to the understanding portion, but the moments of depression still come at unexpected times.

I expect that to last for a while.


  1. Oh, Sus, I am so very sorry. I wish there was something I could say, but please know that you're in our prayers and our thoughts. If there's ever anything that I can do, please don't hesitate to email.

    If you need a big sister hug, just say the word and the Boy and I will jump in the car and come find you in Greensboro.

  2. You guys are great examples of courage and strength. I'm glad you guys have each other and Heavenly Father's help to get you through this. We love you!

  3. You are such a strong woman to go through this. It's so comforting to know that she is with our Heavenly Father and someday she will be in your arms. We are sending lots of prayers of comfort your way. Your testimony is a strength to us.

  4. So sorry for your loss! My longest baby that I miscarried was 13 weeks and it took a LONG while to grieve. Call me or email me if you want to talk. If you guys come to Hickory, stop by and see us:-)


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