Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Feelings on Pregnancy After Stillbirth Part 2 :)

I'm writing this while laying down on my couch, reeling with a head cold, still in my pajamas (I hate being a slug), thinking about grocery shopping and other errands, running on little to no sleep, spent last night doing taxes for the business (3 hours!), and Ben left this morning to go out of town for a couple of days.

And yet, I feel so happy it {literally} brings tears to my eyes to think about.

Yes, a lot of that joy is from the little guy (or gal) moving around inside me and the hope a new life and fulfilled dreams brings, but a fair amount is just my life in general.

My husband, for one, is the bright spot in my day.  There is nothing about Ben that I would change! I have been incredibly tired during this pregnancy and have daily migraines, so I'm never interested in cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking... or anything else that needs to go on in the house.  I reserve the energy I have for my work and going to the gym, and our home gets left behind.  I can't express the gratitude I feel that Ben just lets me be, and supports me in all the endeavors that fulfill me.  Though nothing too interesting ever happens to me, and by this time I'm usually completely worn out and can hardly lift my head from the couch pillow, my favorite time of day is when he comes homes and we cook and eat dinner together and talk about our days.  He has great insights for my own thoughts and opinions, and always acts interested in my plans.  I grow more in love with him every day! Honestly, I attribute a lot of that to the struggles we went through in 2011. We learned so much as we saw each struggle in different ways and learned to rely on one another and our love to get through.

Personally, my life is exactly what I wanted it to be.  My business has grown significantly but is still manageable.  I am just busy enough to feel productive, get a self-esteem boost, and earn enough extra money to treat myself to new clothes :) With plenty of down time in between to rest, relax, and take care of myself and this baby. I love the creativity and fulfillment that comes from being my own boss, running a successful business, and designing items that people seem to really appreciate.  What a terrific feeling.

I've also recently joined a gym and find time to go 3-4 times a week.  I only do light cardio on the treadmill and some weightlifting for my arms, back, and legs, but getting out of the house for some "me" time, being around other enthusiastic people, and helping my body adjust to this pregnancy are so motivating for me!

Now, on to this baby... 

New Years' really did help me turn a new leaf.  I told myself that 2012 would be a fresh beginning, and I guess I made myself believe it :) When no dates on the calender reminded me of Eleanor anymore I was "Free" to think about this new baby as much as I wanted.  I was not prepared, though, for how passionately I would love him or her already! After losing El and for the first few weeks of my pregnancy I knew all I would want is the baby- not the pregnancy part all over again.  I would tell Ben: "Next time I'm pregnant, just wake me up at 27 weeks so I can pick up where I left off." I devoured everything I could find on pregnancy with Eleanor, and I had no desire to do that a second time so quickly.

Well, folks, I was wrong.  I'll say it again for the benefit of those who know me: I WAS WRONG! 

As soon as New Years hit I was just as excited for this baby as I ever was with Eleanor.  We were visiting Ben's brother and sister-in-law at the time, and together Tamara and I talked about all things related to pregnancy.  I haven't stopped since! I start my day out by reading information on my stage of pregnancy on phone or iPad apps every morning, then listen to the baby's heart beat.  It starts my day off right, and I glow for the rest of the day!

I would even venture to say I'm more excited for this pregnancy than with Eleanor, but I may be confusing excited with contentment and peace.  I was worried from {before} day 1 with her that something would go wrong, which really weighed down my feelings.  It was as if only my passion could fuel her on to survive and thrive alone.  This time around there is no concern at all.  Every now and then the doppler doesn't pick up the heart beat right away and my breath catches in my throat, only to be found a second later confirming that I have nothing to fear. I tell you... a content pregnant lady is a happy pregnant lady! Why didn't anyone ever tell me to just calm down already when I was pregnant before?

My life is perfect. For me, anyway :)

All-in-all, I think I'm fulfilling all of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs!


  1. Love this :) So so happy for you and glad you are enjoying it all :)

  2. Great post. I can't wait to read more and more about your upcoming baby :)

  3. What a wonderful way to end a loooong day with a terrible headache. It is wonderful to read these words, Suz, and I'm thrilled for you. You are one lucky lady, despite all the strength-testing your young family has experienced in the last year. I'm so glad you love your life.

  4. It is amazing what a perspective loss can give you and how it helps you grow in faith and in your relationship more than you ever could have without it. I just got a doppler with this one and I don't know why I never did that with the other two. It is such a reassurance! Glad you are upbeat. You will adore this little boy. Little boys are their mother's special blanket. There is just something special about a little boy to his mommy.


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