2-year-anniversary!

This is a post about the Hunger Games.

I loved the books- devoured them without sleeping in about 3 days, in fact- but I respect that other people didn't have that reaction. I believe I was absorbed so quickly because I felt really empathetic to Katniss and a little too invested in her budding friendship/ partnership/ relationship with Peeta.  I realized so much about myself while reading about the journey of these two characters. Katniss had spent years as the responsible provider for her family. She closed off her emotions and own desires to stay stable enough to take care of others. In the process she became cold, unfeeling, and pessimistic. When she was thrust in the ring of the Hunger Games, where she is pressured to kill 23 other teenagers to earn her own survival, she finds an unusual ally in a boy from her district, Peeta.  Peeta is caring, thoughtful, observant, skilled, strong, and willing to sacrifice his pride for the greater good.  Katniss hadn't met anyone like that before in her dog-eat-dog world, and it takes her a long time to trust this boy who endlessly proves that he is willing to die for her survival because he simply believes it's the best thing to do.

I'm not throwing myself a pity party or anything, but I feel a lot like Katniss.  I put a lot of pressure on myself as a child to be perfect, responsible, and trustworthy.  When my parents divorced I wanted to take care of each of them, and spent years afterward trying to be the perfect child that would prove each had been a good parent. As an adult I've traveled the world to dedicate my life to service, because that is what "good" people do. This was nobody's fault, I simply developed an anxious attitude where I felt the weight of my family and the world on my shoulders.

Ben has been my Peeta.  I was resistant at first- very resistant- but I eventually came to understand his motives and appreciate his help.  I now feel so utterly helpless and out-of-control of my own life that I relish the blessing of leaving the responsibility to someone else who is extremely capable, intelligent, righteous, and unjudgemental simply because he loves me.

I have said many times, and will continue to admit, that I had no idea how lucky I was when Ben and I got married.  I knew I loved him, but not much else at that point. I am so glad that he had the foresight to nurture our relationship when I hesitated, and grateful that he has loved and stood by me as I struggled to turn my pride and life over to someone else. Marrying him was the best accident that ever happened to me :)

My anniversary gift to Ben was making this 2x3 ft. picture in our dining room.  

This had been a blank wall after we took some art about Eleanor down, 

and the German chair my parents picked out and carted around from Germany for me had been piled high with electronics we are waiting to sell.  The blank wall was driving me crazy, the messy chair was driving Ben crazy, so I used this tutorial to turn a photo of us in Norway into wall art (in 1 hr. and for $9!) and put all of the stuff in different closets :)

Ben's gift to me was encouraging me to dress up for a surprise dinner at a restaurant I drive by almost every day and have been dying to try, the French-inspired PrintWorks Bistro. 

The food was moderately expensive, but so beautiful and delicious! We don't treat ourselves to expensive meals very often, but this one was worth it :) 

French bread with salted butter and a roasted garlic were brought out with our drinks (Is it fancy to serve water without ice? Where was our ice?) , then my meal was Steak Frites in a garlic sauce with homemade fries and Ben's was local trout with buttered mashed potatoes. We ordered creme filled beignets for desert :)

 This place is so gorgeous! It is behind the modern luxurious Proximity Hotel, so we walked through the lobby and lounge to get to the restaurant. The restaurant is so uniquely themed and beautiful, words just can't describe it! Even the outdoor seating area was perfect and beautiful, interspersed with trees and hanging lights with big white blooms :)

Ben couldn't resist the opportunity to get a picture of the baby bump on our anniversary at 24 weeks!

Happy anniversary, honey! This was one to remember! 

Greensboro is so SCARY!

On Friday afternoon I was talking to Ben while he was still at work about our plans for date night. We were going to see a movie but just found out it wasn't playing anymore, so I encouraged Ben to choose something for us to do and I promised I would enjoy whatever it was.

He came home asking how my body felt-- was I sore? Tired? 
Why?

Because he made reservations for us to go on a 1.5 hour walking ghost tour of Greensboro that starts at 8 pm :)

I have to admit I was excited to do something so fun in our own community, but I did expect to be tired and feel run-down by 8pm. I was excited but not too eager until we arrived at the rendevouz point of our guide and other tour members and saw a tall man in a top hat and tails carrying a candle-lighted lantern.

Ok, this would be pretty darn fun. 

The tour guide had spent years collecting ghost stories from local business owners and history buffs of places downtown, and spent the 1.5 hours walking us around just a few streets (enough to get a brief tour of downtown, not enough to get really tired) and pointing out places with extraordinary paranormal activity (even some documented by professional paranormal investigators and deemed certifiably haunted). I don't want to re-tell any of the stories in case some of you plan to go on the tour, but here are some pictures of memorable locations....

{These are all taken with Ben's new Blackberry touch, which has a really terrific camera but terrible flash.  

The pictures didn't from night-time didn't turn out too well, so I had a lot of fun experimenting 

with Picasa's new editing settings to make them look creepy!}

What I loved about the tour was the enthusiasm of the guide. Ben and I had been on ghost tours in Charleston, SC and Savannah, GA, two of the most haunted cities in America, so the stories here were good but not knock-your-socks-off like we'd heard in the past, but the guide obviously loves Greensboro and respects the history here and really emphasized to us that in a city as old yet modernized as ours you just never know what used to be where you're currently standing.  This street used to be a cemetery.  That building has burned down three times. It was so fun to get the entertaining ghost stories (which I do believe are real and interesting) along with the short history lesson and architecture tour all in one! 

The tour guide loved that we live locally but wasn't surprised that we hadn't been raised here.  He said very few "locals" have ever been on the tour, which I think is a shame.  It was a really fun and unique date night, and I love being a tourist in my own town! There is always something fun to do and something to learn! 

And you never know what's lurking just around the corner... 

Thanks to Carolina History & Haunts for this awesome experience! We would definitely recommend the Greensboro Ghost tour :)

See our baby move!

This last week has gone really well, minus a few emotional/ hormonal episodes!

Suz: "I'm feeling pretty BLAH today."

Ben: "Ok, we should do something fun. What would you like to do?"

Suz: "I don't know..."

Ben: "Hmmm... what do you consider fun lately... 

Let's go buy baby clothes and talk about bad NC drivers!"

 Ben knows these few weeks are crunch time for me, so he has made an effort to take his morning calls at home then come back home for lunch most days. Thanks, honey :)

I'm also really proud of starting to make and follow to-do lists! It is so easy and something every one of you probably already does, but I realized I've been having trouble sleeping due to a lot of stresses from the day that seem to get forgotten then pile up. You know how something seems too insignificant to actually do during the day, yet that nugget becomes a boulder of importance when you're ready to put the day behind you? I hate that feeling, but it loves me!

Writing down the insignificant things (knowing I'll remember the big things) and then crossing them off my list is such a rewarding feeling. Making dentist appointments for us both a month in advance- check! Doing 3 or 4 simple things a day that aren't work-related helps me feel like I've accomplished more and that I'm being a good wife to Ben, since most of the items have to do with a grocery item we ran out of and need or laundry and other chores. I haven't been feeling too "wifely" lately, more concerned with my own work and the pregnancy and taking care of myself, so accomplishing a few little things (then pointing them all out to Ben) really help me feel like I'm giving back to him and our household and helps me stay in control of my own life, mind, and emotions. Recognize your limitations, then celebrate the little things :)

As far as Dragon (no, we aren't any closer to a permanent name) is concerned, he is just fantastic. He doesn't seem to have a schedule, but will move randomly throughout the day strong enough for me to always feel and sometimes for Ben to feel. In fact, we can now see him move!

Check this out: You can see the baby moving at 23 weeks! The most movement is between 15 and 40 secs. on the right side.

Made at 23 weeks 2 days pregnant

Song: The Lucky Ones by Tim Myers

I had noticed the I could see his movements the day before while we were each working on a computer, but Ben couldn't see it :( (Maybe because of the angle- I was looking straight down?) So I made this video last night to show Ben after he was finished studying! What a great surprise. And now it's one of my favorites, even though it's of my own belly! 

You see me breathing deeply, though, because I was getting so excited! I know these are the things that really build our connection, and I truly appreciate it. I am not one of those women complaining that the baby's movement keeps me awake at night!

Here is another one that is much shorter: 

Song: Paradise by Coldplay

I also went to my midwife today for an appointment and we both passed with good results!

Baby:

 Strong heartbeat

Moves a ton

50% weight

90% height

Mom:

Finally a whopping 3 lbs. past pre-pregnancy weight! 

4 weeks until our next Type II ultrasound...

Random Acts of Kindness

I met a man who really inspired me today.

He wasn't on TV, wasn't a public speaker around town, not a friend or religious leader, he was just a man I saw at the grocery store.

He wasn't even a "normal" man, in fact.  When I first saw him I gave a weak smile as he said hi, which was more contact than plenty of others were making with him. I think we were all stunned and scared off by this large man in a motorized cart with eyes focusing in two directions and drool hanging from a distorted mouth.

I saw him a second time toward the end of my shopping trip and remembered that he had said "Hi" earlier and would probably appreciate one in return.  I smiled widely this time and said Hi before he could.  This time, however, he stopped his cart and moved to the side to talk to me.

"Can I make you a flower? I like to make flowers for beautiful women." 

He pulled out one of many sheets of  bakery paper he had in his cart and began to twist it into a rose for me. I wasn't expecting a flower or a compliment, especially since I did not feel beautiful this morning! I haven't been sleeping well the last few days and still felt pretty groggy while getting ready to leave the house. I"m at the stage of pregnancy where my belly is prominent but not quite into maternity tops, and I felt like I couldn't find anything to wear that I would look and feel good in. Since I didn't feel good, anyway, I had also decided not to wear any makeup, knowing my racoon eyes would probably scare the dead!

"You are a beautiful woman.  I love your smile. You have beautiful eyes. They smile when you smile. Thank you for letting me make you a flower so I can try to brighten your day as much as you've brightened mine." 

He talked with great difficulty while occasionally wiping white foam from his mouth and explained as I smiled that he had suffered nerve damage in a car accident a few years ago.  I realized at that point that I'd been talking as if he were a child-- it was a natural reaction I get when I"m around someone with special handicaps, but I realized that though he didn't have the functions I did, his brain was fully developed and he deserved to be respected and talked to like a person.

I told him that he had, in fact, made my day with his compliments and happy demeanor, but he wouldn't accept it.

His name is Tommy.  He reminded me of President Thomas S. Monson, whom I know goes by Tommy to his friends and family.  One of the things I love most about President Monson is his love for others.  He is constantly talking about service and the importance of serving our fellow man.  I was ashamed at first that I had been reticent to meet his gaze, but after such an uplifting experience with this total stranger I think I'll remember his and President Monson's example to love and serve all of those around me.

Because you never know who you meet is going to completely make your day.

A Bad Dream

My mom encouraged me to keep writing what I feel and what's going on as a form of therapy, especially after I told her that other moms who have experienced a loss or had questions about the gospel have contacted me through the blog. I may be able to reach others and help them and myself, she said.

Well, I need some help.

So here's some honesty.

I woke up almost paralyzed from a nightmare this morning. Here in Greensboro we have had terrible rain/ wind/ hail storms the last week or two as Spring has rolled in. Around 6:30 am I woke up in a panic because the noise of thunder and flash of lightning were so loud, bright, and long-lasting it was as if they were at our doorstep.  I could almost feel our house shaking.  I flailed against Ben in my shock.  He had woken up moments earlier from a recent clap, and was expecting my surprise.  He comforted me and gave me a hug until my body could stop shaking.  I did fall back asleep, knowing we didn't have much time before we'd need to get up and get ready for church.

When I fell back asleep I had a quick but powerful dream.  In it I was older, but felt strong, healthy, beautiful, and happy.  I was with a friend waiting at a nail salon, and I felt so satisfied with my life.  That is a great feeling.  We saw some buses pull in front of the glass windows of the salon, and hoards of children in matching school outfits filtered through the room.  I was confused at first, then remembered that Eleanor, in the fifth grade, was visiting around town on a school field trip.  We happened to be in the same place! Seeing her with her friends made my happiness and comfort even stronger. My friend and I laughed at our children.

Suddenly the building became a war zone, and bombs started to fall around us. Parts of the building structure collapsed around us, and most of the children and other adults were scattered, dead, around me.  I, who had so recently felt complete peace, strength, and happiness, was suddenly overcome with shock and sadness as I saw that Eleanor was among those who had died. I stumbled toward a remaining wall to brace myself for the onslaught of emotions.

At that moment a man entered from an untouched portion of the building and said something in jest toward me. I immediately began to sob as the realization of what happened hit me, and he started to apologize- thinking that his teasing was to blame.  Before I blacked out I heard my friend say to him, "It's not you.  She just lost her daughter."

I woke up in that terrible sleep deprived, not sure what's real, scared state.  I wanted Ben to know what I had seen, but all I could say was, "So sad... Eleanor... Bombs." I couldn't pick up my head or move my arms; I must have been so tense in my dream. He asked if I wanted to stay home from church, but I knew that being around my fellow Saints and hearing testimonies would be the only thing to drag me out of my stupor.

During sacrament meeting I was still in my daze.  The dream had been so real. I started to feel sorry for our son, who has the hurdle of my love of Eleanor to get over. It's not his fault, but, as much as I desperately want to, how could I love him as much as I love her after all she and I went through together? She is such a part of me, and just when I think I'm close to embracing motherhood of another child a memory or emotion of her will catch me off guard and I have to start over.

I do not want to go through that loss with another baby.

Just when I was feeling like I'd have to start over in my bonding with him I felt our son kick in such a strong way it felt like he hurled his entire body toward my skin. I positioned Ben's arm around me so he could feel, too, then started to tear up because feeling the baby move is something I never felt with Eleanor, and is the most wonderful sensation in the world. I was suddenly so happy, and so grateful that he gives me that gift.  I know those are the things that are slowly growing our bond, and everything will change when we give him a name and hold him in our arms.

But until then...?

Though I'm pretty good at staying on top of my feelings, being logical and thinking positively, sometimes I am still haunted by Eleanor's past and my fear or love for her takes over what should be my focus on being a good mom to my son. I need some advice from you seasoned parents... How did you start to love your second child as much as your first?

I hope it won't always be this hard.

This is a song from one of my all-time favorite bands, Keane.  I added this song to my repertoire of music to help me when I felt sad, but it has never felt so appropriate. I love music for doing that.

Ben: Mountain Bike Extraordinaire!

I've recently posted about slack lining and other spring activities we enjoy enjoy, but I can not stress enough how much we love exploring the plethora of public parks tucked around every corner of Greensboro! Our last home, Hickory, was named a top 10 US city twice in the last five years partly because of their outdoor park system, so I was prepared to really hate letting that go when we moved.  We have been so impressed by the abundance of outdoor activities here, too, though, and are starting to think NC may just be the perfect place: so far both cities have had numerous parks, gorgeous weather and flora, and within hours to mountains for rock climbing or camping in one direction and my coveted Outer Banks beaches in the other!

See all of the green and blue? Just a segment of the different parks and lakes around Greensboro!

One of the parks Ben stumbled upon was Country Park, which, like a few other parks, is attached at either end to different parks but offers it's own unique  attractions. We got to Country Park by driving to the very back of Jaycee Park.  Jaycee Park houses a city rec center, soccer and baseball fields, and an old wooden sign welcomes you to Country park behind the baseball field which contains a paved walking/ biking path that circles 4 miles around two beautiful lakes the butts against one of my favorites, Guilford Courthouse Park, which is known for historical sites, war reenactments, and walking paths around old cemeteries and statues. Sound confusing? We love it because they are all close by and so different!

We discovered Country Park recently, though, because Ben wanted to find good mountain bike paths.  He read that this one was great, so we brought his bike and I brought a book and we spent about 2.5 hours there on Wednesday!

Mostly because he discovered this...

A well-protected, built-up mountain bike/ BMX natural jump park! Or whatever they call it. 

Ben says there was an indoor jump park like this in Cleveland, but who wouldn't rather be outside? 

It has a variety of things, like paths to bike over made of fencing, logs, boulders, and a teeter-totter. 

He says mountain biking at Country Park in Greensboro is his new favorite place. 

And lots of built-up ramps and jumps that are forbidden to walking or skateboarding.

I knew Ben loved mountain biking, and I've heard stories of some of the races he entered as a teen and tricks he could do, but I had no idea how good he really is!

By about 6:00 pm the park got a lot more crowded, and there were 4 or 5 {plus two kids} bikers using the jump park. I watched them all make the run, but no one was nearly as good as Ben. Everyone would stop and watch him when he went! This video doesn't even show how fast he was going or how high his jumps were very well. 

I guess I thought mountain biking meant riding a bike through a hiking trail. Not so, my friend! Ben was truly exhausted after a 5-mile wilderness bike and running this jump trail a bunch of times. It means biking over stuff, keeping balance, gaining speed, perfect angles, and conquering fear. 

He's amazing, isn't he?

Enjoying Spring in NC!

We have had incredible weather the past couple of weeks in North Carolina. It had been in the dreary 40s and 50s, or lower, all winter, then suddenly plateaued in the 70s overnight! This was perfect timing, since Ben and I both consider fresh sunshine to be a vital nutrient and this is an emotional, hectic time for us. We make an effort to do something outside EVERY DAY, because it helps lift our spirits and especially helps me concentrate on the future and staying positive.

I have scheduled an hour or two of outdoor time for myself every day where I either walk or sit and read in one of the nearby parks. In the afternoon Ben and I then get out for a second time together. Sometimes I prepare dinner in to-go containers and we picnic, or we'll both bring books and he can use it as study time, or we do something active.

Here are some of our recent activities:

longboarding!

{21 weeks pregnant}

Ben is incredible. He found a 4-leaf clover on St. Patricks Day after only looking for a few minutes!

We are very lucky :) 

Kayaking @ Lake Higgins

22 weeks pregnant

Lake Higgins is a really relaxed lake beside Lake Brandt. It was mostly being used by fisherman this time, since fish (apparently) spawn this time of year. Lots of drifting boats and fishing poles to paddle around, but no speedboats or water skiing allowed! Woo Hoo!

 Mine is the green SOT, Ben's is the beige playboat.  

It felt SO GOOD being back in my kayak! It has been almost a year since we've gone-- I was pregnant with awful morning/ motion sickness, we moved during the summer, and Ben needed shoulder surgery, so we were kept out of the water. I'm so glad we found a nice place to go, though, because the need to paddle had been driving me crazy!

Doesn't being outside make EVERYTHING better?