An Autumn Afternoon at the Greensboro Corn Maze

Since we are new to the city, Ben and I love to explore around and find fun things to do.  We found this corn maze thanks to a coupon in a Greensboro travelling book!

We used the coupon for $2 off one of our two $10 general admission tickets.  We also told the cashier that we wanted to add the $5 parking on our credit card (we didn't have cash to pay it at the gate), but she didn't add the charge b/c she appreciated that we were honest about it.  See, there are nice people in the world, and you do get something for being a good person!

So here it is-- a place definitely worth visiting if you're in the area!

Kersey Valley Maize Adventure

About 15 mins. outside of Greensboro, this adventure camp is designed to be
an old-fashioned country town.

This hidden ATM just cracked me up!

Hey... What the...?

Attractions:

Kersey Valley Maize Adventure has tons of attractions for the whole family.  

It really is a fun place to spend an entire afternoon! 

We walked around wishing we had a toddler, though :( 

A Zipline Canopy tour

Gem Mining (for an additional entrance fee)

Sandbox with some dinosaur digs (perfect for little kids!)

Giant jumping pillow

This thing is SUPER COOL. I've been on one during the off-season of another corn maze,

but this was a warm Saturday in Autumn so it was FULL of children.  Not the 

most desirable jumping environment :(

Pumpkin Patch! This is something I was most excited about, but was disappointed that 

there weren't too many pumpkins to actually pick or choose to buy. 

But it was a fun yard!

Plus, the pumpkin patch had those photo cut-outs.  Love that.

And.... 

THE CORN MAZE!!!

This maze was really huge, and designed in the shape of three barnyard animals together.
There are six stations around the three animals that you are meant to find, and

a Clue Card to help you to each station and punch it out when you see it. 

Ben and I didn't want to do all that, so we spent a lazy hour just walking around holding hands 

and running into four-year-olds.  It was great :) 

Yep... Gotta love Autumn! 

Post-Natal Medical Check Up

Exactly 5 weeks after receiving the news of our daughter's death at my 26-week midwife appointment, I had my post-natal check up.

I was pretty anxious in waiting for this appointment.  I wanted to hear that my body was healing (healed), so we could "officially" move on and look to the future. We have even been adding to our family prayers that the appointment would go well, and that the midwife I'd see would be inspired to give us the best advice for having more children.  I specifically scheduled to be seen on a day when the midwife who delivered the terrible news to us originally, Waledah, would be in the office so she could see how well we are handling it, and how ok we are (she had been pretty shaken up to report a stillbirth to us.  It was the first their practice had seen, and everyone there was really upset about it.) When I was back in the exam room I heard that Waledah had called in sick, and was being covered by another midwife.  That midwife, Dierdre, told me exactly what I'd wanted and prayed so fervently to hear! (I wonder if Waledah asking for her shift to be covered by Dierdre was inspired by The Lord. Would Waledah have given me different advice, and He knew that wasn't best or intended for me?)


Dierdre also talked to me about our decision to not have an autopsy performed on Eleanor.  We have no physical evidence of what caused her stillbirth, which is something I explained we are satisfied with due to our spiritual understanding.  I told her I wasn't interested in obsessing over the "whys" and driving from specialist to specialist, but she explained that just a few blood tests could give us a lot of answers, or at least rule out some important options.

Since Eleanor is the first stillbirth they have experienced, they have never recommended these blood panels before.  Dierdre knew what she wanted to test, but not the codes or details, so she got on the phone with a blood specialist.  She explained to the nurse, Lora, who had to look up additional codes for my bloodwork papers from a specific test-indication book.  They sent me to the lab downstairs to get the blood drawn, who also had to call around to know exactly what to do! Hahahahaha... I really did think it was a funny sort of hub-bub to find myself in! I'm glad though, that they are building their repetoir of how to handle a situation like mine, and maybe if it occurs again they will all know exactly how to handle it because they could go through a trial run with me. Everyone in this practice knows and really cares about me, which is very obvious with how caring and thorough they always are in our meetings.  I feel really taken care of, which is so important!

She sent me downstairs to the hospital lab, who preceded to take about 15 vials of blood for about 6 different tests to rule out an immune disorder, thyroid, and lupus.

I just laughed when I saw her pull out all these different blood vials!

I won't post the picture of them filled with blood, but, boy, did I want to lay down when she was done!

I gave so much blood that they had to cover the spot with this heavy-duty bandage. 

It happens to be purple. 

I kept it on until I went to the post office.  The mailman actually asked if I was supporting something!

"Yes.  Donatello.  And giving blood."

The lab clinic had lots of beautiful puzzles framed on the wall, and this puzzle of Christ was hanging across from the blood-drawing chair.  I really loved seeing a picture of Christ in a public hospital! 

It was nice to remember Christ when going through something hard, and receiving some comfort in a hospital. No matter how much blood I gave, He gave more!

We'll have the results back sometime next week.  It would be great to rule out as much as possible to rest our minds for the next pregnancy, but, if something is found, that would be comforting, too, and very treatable!

So keep your fingers crossed... that the results are.... negative.... or.... positive.... whatever....

One Month Post-Natal Metal Check-Up

*Disclaimer: Recent posts have been very personal.  I know not everyone is comfortable with my decision to keep a public journal like this, but please understand that this is a very satisfying form of therapy.  If you feel uncomfortable with the emotion I share, I will not be offended if you pass this over! It makes me happy, so make yourself happy :) *

My dear friend, Jessica, experienced a 23-week stillbirth with her daughter shortly after I found out I was pregnant.  To be honest, her experience scared me.  Obviously.  Among other "sad stories" of friends' pregnancies, hers made me extremely concerned about the health and safety of my own baby.  In hindsight I'm glad I felt that way, because it prepared me for the hardship we faced.  I sort of expected it.  

I didn't talk to Jessica much during my pregnancy.  I felt awkward; I didn't know how to handle the situation.  I didn't want her to feel guilty or jealous, I didn't want to rub it in that I was pregnant and ecstatically happy, so I avoided her and chose not to handle the situation.  Well, she was one of the only people I called while I was in the hospital awaiting Eleanor's delivery.  I knew she knew, better than anyone, what I was going through, and that she would understand my folly and be there for me.  She was, and has been, every step of my understanding and grieving process.  

I felt really ok after everything happened. Unnaturally so, in fact.  I had (have) an amazing understanding of what happened and why, so I accepted our fate pretty easily.  Jessica told me that she had felt the same thing shortly after losing her daughter.  She was the one comforting other people! She said her saddness/ anger kicked in about a month later.  She says she literally woke up one day and felt angry.  Really angry.  All of a sudden.  Since I heard that I wondered if I would wake up and feel angry after one month.  

It's been a month.  So, how do I feel? Not really angry. Sort of angry, I guess, but mostly annoyed.  What this experience has taught me is how desperately I want to be a mother.  I won't get into the details, but that's what my complicated roller coaster of emotions and self-therapizing boil down to.  I really want a child.  A baby, even (I never really thought of El as a baby, usually as a teenager/ young adult, which is why I enjoy this self realization so much.)  

What I find extremely annoying and unfair is not that I lost a baby.  No, hers and our journey was meant to take a certain path, and it did.  We fulfilled everything we were asked to do for her, so there is no regret, bitterness, or guilt.  I don't necessarily want Eleanor, or my pregnancy with her, back.  What is unfair is that I have to go through another pregnancy just to get a baby! After we get a medical "ok" to even try for a baby, and after however long it takes to become pregnant! 

I have to go through another period of time when I worry about conceiving? Another weight-losing-heartwrenching-hormone-swinging first trimester? Another second trimester where my physical symptoms have gone away but it's still too early to feel the baby moving? For just one child I get to take home? 

I want a child.  I want to be pregnant because that is how you get a child.  But I am not excited about another pregnancy. The sad thing is that I had actually really loved being pregnant.  But I don't think I'll love it anymore.  Unfair and annoyed. 

And, yes, I did feel this way exactly one month after El's burial.  Like a light switch.  

But, hey, tomorrow's another day.  

An Inside Look Into Our First Official Date!

Well... I guess that is a bit of an over-statement.  We have, of course, been on plenty of amazing "official" dates (Emily told me an official date for her and her hubby was if she wore perfume, my definition means Ben has actually planned something and asked me out.), but, as any married couple can attest, it is harder to plan and ask someone on a date once you are married! We, for instance, do plenty of really fun things around town, like to stay busy and be involved in our community, and love to invite other couples on our adventures, but rarely do we plan something in advance to do together this way.

This was the first time Ben asked me out for a date since we had Eleanor.  We have been really busy and in and out of town since then, but it was still much- needed.

I firmly believe that couples should hold on to romance-- no matter how long you have been together or what you've gone through. 

Ben kept our date plans a surprise, only telling me to dress comfortably and be ready to go around 3:30.

3:30 p.m.

He showed up with 2 dozen pop tarts (way better than flowers!) and one of my favorite candies (which he happens to hate.  That's how I know he really had me in mind when picking something out.)

4:00 p.m.

We pull up here... 

For an appointment for a 1-hr couples massage! Woot woot! 

I can not express how happy that made me.  I love getting massages, but rarely do because it seems like a waste of money.  My body was put through a lot with the pregnancy, though, and I have been complaining of terrible back pain and headaches since the delivery. Ben has been recovering from his shoulder surgery 6 weeks ago, as well, so this was something we both needed! I was so impressed that Ben had the insight to get this for me, and was willing to spend the "unnecessary" money for us to do it together! I have the best husband!

6:00 p.m.

After changing into dressy clothes, we head out in the car for a fancy dinner... 

at my new favorite-- the best restaurant in Greensboro, Palmetto! 

I ate here with my Mom for lunch during our "girls day" after Eleanor was born.  It is right in the middle of downtown Greensboro, so it is great to walk to.  When we ate there I was stunned by the absolutely gorgeous, classy interior, really friendly, passionate staff and owners, and inexpensive, creative menu. I have been talking about non-stop for the past month, which Ben remembered! 

This is my "death bed meal." Seriously, the best meal I may have ever had.  It is a BLT, but with a twist: a fresh baguette, spring lettuce mix, thick applewood smoked bacon strips, and fried green tomatoes with a spicy mayonaise.  It is seriously ..... amazing. The fresh bread, crunchy greens, spicy sauce, smoky bacon, warm tomatoes... Every bite just matches perfectly! The first time I had this BLT it was served with sweet potato fries that had a coating of brown sugar.  I'd never had sweet potato fries like that (the simplest twist makes an amazing difference), and the sweetness was a perfect combo with the spicy, crunchy sandwich.  

Ben ordered the shrimp etoufe with collard greens. 

I still like my BLT better, but this was great, too! The shrimp had a delicious spicy coating, and was served on top of red beans and rice.  MMmmmmmmm! 

7:30 p.m.

As we were leaving the restaurant we heard a live band playing Bon Jovi around the corner... 

Turns out our First Official Date Post- Baby happened to be on the first Friday of October, and Greensboro turns downtown into a giant party on the First Friday of every month! Many downtown restaurants, museums,  and stores keep their doors open late and invite people in to see performances or live music.  It was so cool to walk out of dinner and see the streets full of members of our community!

We walked to this outdoor party where we even saw this portable game van,

We saw a beautiful dance performance at the International Civil Rights Museum, 

And found this outdoor crafts market! 

This really is a beautiful, creative, fun city.  I'm glad we've finally discovered that.

Surprise gifts, a couple's massage, a fancy dinner at my favorite restaurant, and a community party.... What could have possibly made this night any better?

Nothing!

Triplets

Two weeks after delivering Eleanor, my oldest sister gave birth to her triplets. I really love my sister, but our dual pregnancies was a challenge for me. She announced her surprise pregnancy when we were trying for a family, which was hard. The next month I was pregnant, and, while planning our announcement, received the phone call that Megan was expecting not one but three babies. I was suddenly too overwhelmed by her news to share my own with our family. Megan would need lots of support, help, and love to carry and mother triplets, and I felt guilty asking the family for any of the attention that should go to her. I had previously been so excited to share a pregnancy with my family (who had waited years for me to get married and decide to have a baby), but after her announcement I didn't want to say anything at all.

I got over that shock and learned to give my family more credit (of course there is enough love for as many children as come), but never did feel too comfortable hearing about my sister's trials and triumphs.  Shallow, I know. I admit, I just wanted the focus on me and my little one-- I thought she deserved that. When I talked to someone about my baby I would hear, "And your sister is having triplets... how is she?" Or if I shared my aches and pains the reply would be "But imagine how your sister feels with three babies in there!"

So, yes, I was jealous.

The fact that she had her babies so soon after ours passed away felt like an appropriate end to our experience. I had planned to go home to Columbia to help with her original three kids when she went to the hospital for her C-section, but no one expected it to be so soon. Two weeks after my delivery was a bit of a shock, which I had to get over FAST!

I believe the week I spent at home with her was very healing, thankfully. I think the realization that not all babies come home from the hospital helped her feel grateful and excited for parenting triplets. My Dad, whom I have hardly talked to in a decade, showed up and we had a great time together. I saw, held, and cared for three babies in the NICU.

Plus, my sister is healing well and all three babies are great.

Let me show you...

w.e.s.t.o.n.

4 lbs. 15 oz.

c.o.u.r.t.e.n.e.y.

4 lbs. 3 oz.

d.y.l.a.n.

3 lbs. 11 oz.

Dylan was the hardest of all for me to be around. She, more than the others, reminded me of Eleanor. She lost a few ounces after birth, and is just so small. She has scrawny little chicken elbows and knees, like Eleanor did, but I could see hers actually move through the plastic isolette. My tiny baby couldn't do that.  This tiny little baby just really shocked me... you know? 

Strangely, she is the healthiest of all three.  Weston and Courteney will be in the NICU for a few weeks on and off oxygen and other drugs, but Dylan was doing well enough from the beginning to never need oxygen, be placed in a less intensive room, and expect to come home much sooner.  Thus, she is the only one we are allowed to consistently hold out of her isolette and biliruben lighting. 

The first time I went to visit the babies I could only handle to stay for a few minutes.  The second time I came with Megan, who wanted to stay much longer  She took me to see Dylan, opened her isolette doors, and told me to reach in and touch her.  I couldn't.  Again, she told me touch her, so I gradually reached in.  I felt like Dylan was a ticking time bomb-- something that would explode if we had skin-to-skin contact. I started crying and shaking, which the nurses found endearing. They offered me a chair and tissues, but it took quit a while for me to settle down.  I never told anyone about my recent loss, I expect they just thought I was a very emotional aunt. 

I spent a week with the family in Columbia-- long enough to see Megan get home and comfortable-- and I will return when the babies come home from the hospital to help with the transition.  That will be another milestone to overcome, and I hope I handle it as well!

In the meantime, congratulations, Megan.  What an accomplishment!

Music tHERapy

When I was a freshman in high school my older sister, Brett, started studying Music Therapy at FSU.  One weekend Mom and I went to visit her, and she took me with her to the recital of a Senior music student's.  I had been struggling with a bout of Tourette's Syndrome at that time.  Tourette's is a neurological disorder that, for me, causes me to have facial twitches whenever I'm stressed or anxious. Around that time I was still struggling with my parent's divorce, hated high school so far, and missed all my siblings (especially Brett) who had left me alone in the house(es) for various reasons. I was twitching so badly that Brett had to help me walk-- I couldn't even see in front of me.

On the way to the recital Brett tried to explain to me what music therapy even was.  Call me slow, but I just didn't understand what she was doing.  At the recital, though, the Senior student sang a beautiful song to the accompaniment of another student's piano playing, and I was completely entranced.  I shifted closer in my seat, and couldn't even blink. Without realizing it, my twitches had completely vanished while I listened.  My whole body calmed down. Brett leaned over to me and said, "That's music therapy."

Music has been really important to me since then.  I can't listen to any song without thinking about the lyrics and if or how they could apply to me.  I've always loved that lyrics and, in the best cases, the accompaniment, too, express something I never could.  Feelings I have but can't explain, things I want or need to hear but don't know how to ask for, etc.

In coping with the loss of my baby three songs have really helped me, for various reasons:

1. In My Life, Dave Matthews


This song reminded me of our daughter long before she was born for the line, "In my life I love you more." But it also seemed really sad to me, so I hesitated putting it on her Baby CD.  When we learned that she had passed and we would have a burial for her I knew this song was perfect.  I suppose it was an early revelation.  Now I love it for the line, "I'll never lose affection...."

2. You'll Be In My Heart: Phil Collins


This song has meant a lot to me since Middle School.  I was being teased by some classmates, and knelt in prayer for comfort.  As soon as my prayer ended, this song came on the Light radio station.  I felt like it was Heavenly Father's way of answering my prayer and telling me how much He loved me.  The song still means a lot to me, and now I think of it as my anthem to Eleanor, as well. I love you, Little Girl! And Heavenly Father loves us both very much :)

"When destiny calls you, you must be strong. I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on." 

3. Be Here Now by Mason Jennings.


This has been the ultimate in healing music for me.  This song is in my top 10 favorite songs of all time-- which is really saying a lot! We added it to a CD we made when we were getting sealed of love songs.  I have felt so much love for Ben through all of this, and focusing on our relationship and our blessings has really helped me cope. I am so grateful to still have him in my life! I listened to our marriage CD a few days ago, and heard this one for the first time in a little while.  I played it repeatedly for about 45 mins.

I always have had a hard time "Being here now." I seem to always look to the future, but this experience is really helping me see that we have to appreciate every tiny blessing in every ordinary day.  I am so in love with my husband, so grateful for the Gospel, so proud of my daughter, and truly happy to be who and where I am.

"Be here now. No other place to be. Don't just sit there dreaming of how life would be if we were somewhere better, somewhere far, away from all our worries, well here we are...

Be here now.  No other place to be. All the doubts that linger, just set them free.  And let good things happen. Let the future come. Into each moment like a rising sun.

Sun comes up and we start again..." 

Thank you, Mason Jennings, for helping me realize that life moves on.  Just because I accept that and try to move on doesn't mean that the love I have for our daughter ever has to change.  I can do both-- love her and be sad, and look forward to tomorrow with complete hope and acceptance that some things I have no affect over, but I still make the choice to be happy :)

And, honestly, I'm feeling better.  

Denial.

It has been exactly 1 week since we left for my routine midwife appointment last Friday.  I'm happy to report that we've survived! It's amazing to think of how much adversity we can actually handle-- I've been through my share in my short lifetime, and I always wonder how I am still able to breathe.  Thank you, atonement.  And a little friend I've recognized as DENIAL.

I thought I'd been handling our situation really well.  I have a healthy eternal perspective and logical knowledge of what happened, which helps, but a couple of days ago I realized it may be because I'm not letting myself truly feel our loss.  I've been thinking about this as if it happened to someone I'm really close to, or a character in a book I've grown to love and miss by the end, or a movie I've seen over and over again. It involves people and a situation I know very well and deeply care about, but not me.  I feel upset and distraught, but not in a personal way.  Then, randomly, we will receive a very thoughtful sympathy card, someone from church will stop by with flowers or dinner, or my mother calls at 10:00 pm "Just to see if I'm ok."  

Why are we getting a sympathy card? Or a random call from my mom at night? Or flowers from people we've never met? There must be a reason.... And it sets in.  There is a reason.  That tragedy from last week.... ours.


And I'm "in it" all over again.  I try to logic or spiritualize myself out of the sadness, but it still comes.  I start to notice all the physical signs around me; things I'd somehow stayed oblivious to during the day.  My breastmilk came in, which causes me a lot of discomfort.  I feel crampy.  Tape residue from my IV refuses to come off my arm.  My other arm still has a large bruise from the blood pressure cuff I kept on for 2 days.  It's not bad enough that I couldn't take my daughter home from the hospital, I have to see tape marks a week later?!?!?!

I went to visit Eleanor's gravesite on Wednesday and could see the ground raised and placed back down on top of her.  Even knowing that she wasn't really there, I had a strong natural reaction to rip the ground away and bring her back up.  I just cried and prayed instead. (Though I did touch the grass chunks just to make sure they were fresh.)

Nights are the worst; all day I find things to distract me, but at night there is no sunlight to walk our park path by, our friends and family aren't available to call, and I don't want to drive anywhere.  I know it's only a matter of time before we go to bed and the only thing left to do then will be to think and wait to fall asleep.  I hate being alone with my thoughts!

Luckily this back-and-forth of denial and reality (which really does bite) only happens a few times a day.  Most of the day I'm still able to look to our many reasons to feel blessed and convince myself to be okay.  I know I'll need to face this reality hard and fast at some point, but for now I'll take it little by little.